The Sport Superlatives - Issue No. 33

August 16, 2024

🏆 The Superlatives 🏆

From School to the Olympics: Mallory Pugh Swanson

When we were growing up we were all asked what we wanted to be when we grew up. Some of us nailed it… but most of us were wayyy off. Not our girl Mal! Back in the sixth grade, US Women’s Soccer player Mallory Swanson declared that she wanted to be on the USA soccer team and win a gold medal. At the age of 26, Mallory fulfilled that childhood dream when her team took home the gold at the Paris Olympics. Talk about manifestation, am I right??

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From the Olympics Back to School: Quincy Wilson

16-year-old Quincy Wilson may have won a gold medal at the Olympics but that doesn’t exempt him from his summer reading. Quincy became the youngest men’s track and field athlete in US Olympic history. Quincy competed in the heat for the 4x400 relay, earning him a gold when the team won the final. Recently Quincy took to Twitter… we mean X… to remind everyone that he starts his junior year of high school in a couple weeks. Let’s call that a humble flex, shall we? How many times would you use the Olympics to get out of homework assignments?? 

👋🏼 Au Revoir Olympics: The XXXIII Hunger Games have ended, and now everyone can pack up their patriotism and put it in a box in the basement for another 4 years. But not before we review the last-minute gold rush that put the US of A in a tie (with China) for #1 in gold medals and #1 in overall medal count. WE WON THE OLYMPICS!... Wait, is that how that works? Either way, here was some of the gold we (yes, WE, the couch delegates) captured:

🏀 Basketball

The US Men’s basketball team brought home its 5th straight gold medal after bidding the French team “Night night”...or, as they may or may not say in France, “Nuit Nuit” (Steph Curry’s words, not ours). Not them sending the French team to bed in their own home…how embarrassing. That’s like being a foreign exchange student and telling your host family it’s past their bedtimes and they should probably pack it up….wild. Anywho, the game was great, and the US defeated France 98-87. Steph Curry really made the most of his first, and likely only, Olympics by hitting France with an onslaught of 3-pointers that broke their spirits (so, Steph being Steph). He scored four 3’s in the final 3 minutes to really seal the deal and cement his ‘best shooter ever’ status.

The US Women also brought home another gold medal…making it 8 straight golds for them. Oh, and would you look at that, they ALSO beat France in their gold medal match. Yikes, the French must be tired of us…probably couldn’t wait to send us back to our non-universal healthcare. Anywho, this game was a close one, and the US won by 1 point, 67-66. A’ja Wilson was a force defensively while also fighting through the stifling (that’s the nice word for it) French defense to lead the team in scoring with 21 points.

The drama is that the French team had a legit chance to tie the game and send it into overtime with a buzzer-beating two-pointer that would have been a 3 if Gabby Williams had stepped back a few inches…or had smaller feet. Unfortunately (for them, not us), that was not the case, and fortunately (for us, not them), the US women won a hard-fought battle for gold.

⚽ Soccer or Football

The US Women’s soccer team took home gold with a 1-0 win against Brazil. Mallory Swanson scored the team’s only goal to help secure their first gold medal in 12 years. While Swanson may have handed them the gold, goalkeeper Alyssa Naeher kept it in grasp by staving off a late game shot attempt by the opps. But here’s the kicker (pun definitely intended), the US coach, Emma Hayes, is British!

After leaving Chelsea (the team, not the place), she made her debut as an Olympic coach for the US and led them straight to gold. In an interview, she said she didn’t have to go against the Great Britain team so there was no conflict of interest. Well, it seems that the Brits may be over that whole 1776 thing.. or uh…at least she is.  

🏃🏾 Track no Field

Both the US Women and Men won their respective 4x400m relays to end the Olympic track competition. The Women’s team, comprised of Shamier Little, Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone, Gabby Thomas, and Alexis Holmes, had to only get the baton to Sydney to solidify their win. After McLaughlin-Levrone ran her leg, all the other two had to do was stay on the track and not drop the baton. It was inevitable… and an American record. See for yourself.

The Men’s race was more of a nailbiter, if that’s your thing. Chris Bailey, Vernon Norwood, Bryce Deadmon, and Rai Benjamin set an Olympic record as they came down the stretch neck and neck with Botswana. Rai Benjamin, who won gold in the 400M hurdles, ran the anchor leg against Letsile Tebogo, who won gold in the 200m (and talked big smack about Noah Lyles), and the contest did not disappoint, especially if you were #teamUSA

👏🏻 All Olympians Matter: Although we’re [mainly] Team USA over here, congrats to all the Olympic athletes who volunteered as tribute to put their bodies on the line and to the limits to bring Olympic medals back to their home countries…especially the United States of America. 

⚾ Swing Batter Batter, Swing: We know it’s hard, but we’ve got to move on from the Olympics, so let’s just rip off the bandaid. NY Yankees’ Aaron Judge has made history as the fastest person to make it to 300 HR’s by doing so in 955 games in his 3,431st at bat. So all that talk about slow and steady winning the race is fake news! On Wednesday night against the White Sox, Judge hit a 3-run homer to left field in the top of the 8th inning to aid his team on their way to a 10-2 victory (like they needed THAT much help).

The funny part is that the White Sox intentionally walked Juan Soto to put 2 players on base before Judge’s at-bat…which kinda fueled his fire. He later said that it was a “great achievement” and he’d been “hoping it would come in a win”. Well, check and check. Let’s hope all this winning and home run hitting can carry over into the postseason because, historically, that’s not his forte. Oh, and for those wondering, when asked what he was gonna do with the ball, he said he’ll “probably give it to his wife.”...AAWW, we love that for them.

👎🏽 It’s Giving Hater Vibes: In case you haven’t heard, Jordan Chiles was asked by the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to return her Bronze Medal for her floor exercise. The new ruling places Chiles in fifth place behind two Romanian gymnasts. Wait, what? Ok, let's backup. During the competition on August 5th, Chiles was given a score of 13.666 in the individual floor final. Afterwards, Chiles' coach requested that the judges review her difficulty marks (this is a common practice). Post review, the judges increased her score by 0.1, placing her in 3rd. Days later the Court of Arbitration for Sports (CAS) voided her coaches appeal to the original score citing that it came a few seconds after the one-minute limit. 

So Jordan’s score was reverted back to the original 13.666 and she was instructed to forfeit her bronze medal. Can they really strip her of her medal? Yes, they can but it typically happens when an athlete has been caught using substances to enhance their performance. This would be a judging error and no fault of any of the gymnasts involved.  The US Olympic committee plans to continue to take steps to appeal this decision. This back-and-forth will likely take months to resolve. Our thoughts are with Jordan because haters gonna keep hating but she will always be a champ to us! 

💍 She Put a Ring on it: Former NBA basketball player Gilbert Arenas proposed to his girlfriend Melli Monaco last month in Paris. On Instagram, he jokingly said he was engaged to himself because despite rocking the ring she apparently didn’t answer him. But not to worry, she made her own plans to claim her future hubby as well. While having a night out with friends at a club in a private section, Millie popped the question right back with a ring and all. Arenas excitedly accepted. Safe to say the boy was geeked. 

She’s not the only woman popping the question, French runner Alice Finot also dropped to one knee for her beau after her steeplechase race during the Olympics. It’s a trend!

Lyar Lyar: So before running the 200m race, Noah Lyles pranced around the track like a Captain America x Energizer Bunny crossover…but somehow, by the end of the race, he wound up in a wheelchair, being carted off and breathing like it was his first time hitting the gym in decades. Now somewhere in there, he allegedly caught COVID, maybe mid-race as he watched his gold medal hopes go down the drain. But the dark knight rose again to prance and dance in a French night club…during peak COVID contagion. SO, it would seem that someone is either lying or being real reckless.

Speaking of lies, despite his quick bout of COVID, Mr. Lyles still had enough breath in his lungs to make disparaging remarks (although these remarks are from June) about a fellow Olympian and gold medalist, NBA star Anthony Edwards. Noah was a bit disgruntled that Adidas saw star potential in Edwards and gave him a shoe. Not only did they give him a shoe, but they had the unmitigated gall to invite Noah to the release party. Not on Noah’s watch. He took to the interwebs to let them know that he wasn’t feeling it. He later walked back his hateration, indicating that it wasn’t a him vs Ant thing, and he thought they both deserved shoe deals…and he didn’t attend the release shindig cuz he was busy. Fine, but if that’s the case, why did he feel the need to mention that Ant has never made it to the NBA finals? If you don’t want people to think you’re a hater, maybe stop hating. 

Your sports term of the week is: offside

IRL Example:  It’s like you racing someone else to get to an ideal parking spot, only to realize they had their homie sitting in the spot and taking up the space for them the whole time. The homie would be offsides… and you? Well, you’d be making a trek from a land far, far away because they took the good spot.

The Paris Olympics were magnifique (as the French say!) and the looks that the athletes and their celeb fans gave us were just as magnificent. Who won the gold medal in fashion, you ask? Cast our vote for Cynthia Erivo, who served us wicked (Ha! Get it?) looks at every turn.

Cynthia, who will play Elphaba to Ariana Grande’s Glinda, gave us look after look when the duo popped over to the Paris Olympics to do a bit of promo for the upcoming premiere of the film adaptation of Wicked. While both gave us dreamy fits… Cynthia and this green have us in a chokehold. 

Here is our podium:

With bronze we have Cynthia in Thom Browne making us all green with envy that she can pull off an updated Avril Lavigne cosplay and make it cool again:

Taking silver we have Cynthia in another Thom Browne set accessorized with their signature animal icon bag. See the peak of the button-down under the bottom of the skirt?? The boots? The grass is greener wherever you’re walking in those beauties! 

And for the Gold we have Cynthia in this fabulous Louis Vuitton number she wore for the opening ceremony. See, we knew even at the start of the Olympics that our dear Cynthia was not coming to play with us. Will copying her mani give us a green thumb, you think?

Welp, it’s official the green agenda has gotten to us!

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